


In the Company of Misfit.

by Markuse88



Series: Markuse88 Inktober 2019 [18]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Castiel is Loved (Supernatural), Christmas Movies, Dean Winchester is Bad at Feelings, Gen, Insecure Castiel (Supernatural), M/M, Pre-Slash, Sam Winchester Knows, christmas in july
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-30
Updated: 2020-06-30
Packaged: 2021-03-04 03:46:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,050
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24997081
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Markuse88/pseuds/Markuse88
Summary: After capturing Metatron, regaining his Grace,  and returning the Angels, (minus their wings) to Heaven, Castiel returns to Earth and the Winchesters. Castiel struggles though, not only with the decisions of his past but the path of his future. Castiel finds solace and guidance with Dean and Sam as well as comfort from an unexpected source.The fic is better than this. I promise. Check the notes for info.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Series: Markuse88 Inktober 2019 [18]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1501292
Kudos: 25





	In the Company of Misfit.

**Author's Note:**

> Ok, so this is like SUUUUUPER late. It's for the 2019 Inktober prompt list. The prompt is 18 - Misfit. This is self-edited so all mistakes are mine. Beta-read for content by the amazing Cowandcalf. I would love to hear your thoughts and I hope you enjoy. Also please feel free to offer suggestions for tags as I tend to come up blank. 
> 
> This is Canon up until Castiel is cast out of Heaven by Metatron. After that it is divergent. It's touched on in the fic but check the end notes for details on that.

Castiel stood motionless, hands deep in the pockets of his coat and face upturned toward the star-strewn sky. Despite having been created long before himself Castiel knew the name of every one of those stars. Both the ones the humans called them and the true names given to them by his father.

Castiel had always been fond of the stars. Of the cosmos as a whole really. Everything had a place. Every star. Every moon. Every planet, meteor, and speck of space dust. From the brightest quasar to the most infinitesimal microbe. All of it had a place and a purpose.

Castiel envied that because, in the long course of his existence, he often felt as though he did not.

He spent incalculable millennia as an angel, watching the cosmos; creation and destruction. Even in chaos, there was an inherent sense of order. Of belonging. On Earth, a hidden observer of Creation with the rest of his Garrison, Castiel had marveled at his fathers’ favored world.

The order of the cosmos on a grand scale was fascinating, but on the small scale of Earth, it was _remarkable_. Castiel marveled at it. The rise and fall of species. The seemingly random confluence of fate and genetics that spurned on evolution. It was beautiful in its chaos and order.

But even then, amid his wonderment, Castiel felt out of place. An outsider looking in. An observer. Anything more had been forbidden. Still, Castiel had _yearned_. A feeling not shared by the others of his Garrison.

“ _Honestly, I think you came off the line with a crack in your chassis.”_ Naomi had once told him. Spanner in the works she had called him. She had been right. As much as it pained him to admit to it. Castiel had always been torn in a way that his brother and sister angels had not. Castiel _wanted_ to be an angel. Wanted to do good. Protect his fathers’ creation. But at the same time, it didn’t seem to be enough.

“ _Why isn’t it enough, it_ _should be enough_.” Castiel grumbled to the sky.

“Hey Cas, you ready to head out?” Dean’s voice pulled his attention away from the sky and Cas turned his focus on the hunter. Dean was sweaty and dirty, both from the humid June night and the exertion of grave digging. After the retrieval of his minimal grace and remanding of Metatron to Heaven’s prison Castiel had returned to Earth. He had stayed long enough to help re-open the Gates but afterward, it had been made clear that he was not exactly welcome. Castiel didn’t blame them. Not really. It was his fault that the angels had been cast out of Heaven to begin with. That they were still without their wings. He could only hope that Heaven was safe with Gadreel and the now, claiming to be reformed, Naomi.

Without the ability to fly as he once did Castiel had returned to the Winchesters. Two of the only people that had ever accepted Castiel for who he was. Even though he was rarely sure of that himself

“Yes, I’m ready. Miss Ernsts’ grave is once more covered I take it?” He asked as he approached and fell into step with Dean.

“Hell yeah, that’s one Woman in White that won’t be ambushing guys on the roadside anymore. Sam put the fear of God into the witchy-wannabe that called her up. With luck, she won’t be dabbling in the dark arts anymore.” Dean replied as they walked through the cemetery together. Willamina Ernst had died in the early 1900s. Ostensibly of a broken heart after her husband left her for another woman. From what they had seen of her ghost though, a skeletal and haggard woman in a white wedding dress, a large bloodstain on the chest, Castiel suspected her death had been a _literal_ broken heart. By way of a knife she had plunged into it.

“Very good. Though “fearing God” does not mean to be afraid of him. But more so to respect and adhere to the morals of one’s religion. Usually Judeo-Christian ones.” Castiel remarked offhandedly as they walked between the graves. Dean snorted in obvious amusement and bumped his shoulder against Castiel’s before replying.

“Whatever you say man. I just want her to stop calling up, and then losing control of, ghosts because she got jilted by her boyfriend.”

“That would be best.” Castiel returned and Dean hummed in agreement.

“Let's go grab Sammy and head home Cas.” Dean told him and Castiel felt his stomach warm at _home_. The Bunker was Dean and Sam’s home. That was without question. But was it his? If it was how long before it wasn’t any longer? Before he was asked to leave or made to after screwing up? Again.

Castiel didn’t know and he didn’t want to think about it.

***

“Sammy…Have you noticed anything off about Cas lately?” Dean asked his brother quietly, checking over his shoulder to make sure Cas wasn’t in the room. Despite not having his wings Cas had developed an annoying habit of silently popping out of nowhere ever since he got his grace back.

“Off how,” Sam asked without looking up from the books spread out in front of him, “I mean it’s _Cas_ , he’s always been a bit odd.”

“Well, yea. He’s a weird, dorky, little guy,” Dean smirked a little as the words rolled off his tongue, “But this is _different_ weird. When we’re here at the bunker he just…wanders around. Not even doing anything just…wandering around and spacing out. He’s also been quiet, distant. Almost like he’s avoiding us.” Dean collapsed into the chair across from Sam.

“Avoiding _us_ or avoiding _you_?” Sam smirked at him, finally looking up from his books. Dean felt his ears burn and had to resist the urge to grind his teeth or deck his baby brother.

“That’s not what this is about.” Dean ground out but Sam just continued smirking. Ever since they had saved Castiel from the Reaper, April, Sam had been hinting and teasing at Dean’s obvious, (Sam’s word, not his, Dean hadn’t confessed to anything), feelings for Cas.

Instead of trying to fight Sam’s accusations Dean just glared at him until Sam rolled his eyes and leaned back in his chair.

“Ok, yea sure. I’ve noticed that he’s been a bit different from before. But can you really blame him? He’s had a hard few months. Getting tricked by Metatron, losing his grace, the angels falling. Hell, he even _died_ for a bit there. I think he’s entitled to be a bit off. Not to mention he still hasn’t told us why he left Heaven this time.” 

“Yea, I’ve been wondering about that too,” Dean spoke absently. He had been ecstatic when Cas had returned to the Bunker after leaving Heaven to Naomi and Gadreel. Cas had only told them that, with Metatron’s closing of the Gates undone, he was no longer needed in Heaven. Happy as he was to have the angel asking to stay with them Dean couldn’t help but realize the weight of Cas’ words. Both he and Sam knew there was something more going on there but given Cas was putting off very clear vibes of _not_ wanting to talk about it they had decided to leave it be.

“I’m just saying, it’s barely been a month since everything happened. He probably needs time to adjust. I’m sure he’ll be back to his normal weird before long.” Sam said as he returned to his books. It was a pretty clear dismissal. Dean was annoyed but he understood. Sam was still upset about the whole tricking him into being an angel vessel thing. Gadreel had left easily enough once Sam was healed and had gone back to his old vessel. Sam though still wasn’t happy that the angel had been squatting in him, or that Dean had helped trick him into it. Dean had apologized for the tricking part but not the situation as a whole. He had done what was needed to save Sammy. Just like he always had and always would.

“Good talk Sammy.” Dean grunted before leaving his brother to his research. They would get back to normal eventually. They always did.

***

Castiel was once more staring up at the starry sky, this time on the roof of the building above the Bunker. The well warded and derelict factory stood high enough that the trees did not obscure his view. It was the middle of July and nearing the two-month mark since he had come to the Bunker. He was feeling somewhat more settled in but at the same time could not stop, as Dean would say, waiting for the other shoe to drop. He _was_ trying. He was spending more time with the Winchesters, working through the Library with Sam and accompanying Dean pretty much when and wherever the hunter asked. He rarely spent time with the brothers together. He understood that the two were still working out things between them; owing to Sam’s possession by Gadreel. Castiel didn’t wish to intrude and make things harder for the brothers. That was why he had scouted this area. Sam and Dean never came up to the roof so it was the perfect place to remove himself. He had no wish to make things harder on the Winchesters than he already had. They hadn’t said anything but he was sure that his presence was a reminder of the negative events of the last few months.

“Hello, Brother.” Castiel spun around, angel blade in hand, to find Gadreel standing behind him.

“Gadreel, why are you here? _How_ } are you here?” Castiel cast his eyes around, looking for the sigil that marked the portal to Heaven.

“Forgive me, Brother, I did not mean to startle you. I tried to reach you through Angel Radio but you did not answer.” Gadreel replied, hands up in surrender. Castiel let his angel blade slide back up his sleeve, into his True-Form, before replying.

“I learned a long time ago how to tune-out Heaven’s signal. Since leaving it was easier to do so once more. You have not answered my questions.”

“Apologies Brother. We have discovered how to move the portal wherever we need it. I placed it into the hatch in the ceiling,” Gadreel motioned to the hatch behind him, “As to why I am here...I wanted to come and check on how you were doing. Perhaps give you an update if you have any questions.”

Castiel squinted at Gadreel with a slight tilt of his head. Though Gadreel had remained silent when Castiel was encouraged to leave Heaven and had been instrumental in defeating Metatron as a double agent. Even so, he did not feel like discussing how he was coping.

“How are things in Heaven?” He asked eventually.

“Things proceed slowly. There is much discussion. Myself, Hannah, and many others have demanded more transparency. More of a voice in how things are done. There has been talk of forming a kind of council but so far it is only an idea. We have agreed though that there can be no more in-fighting. Our numbers are simply too low allow it.” Gadreel replied blandly but Castiel felt a stone of unease fall into his gut.

Their numbers were low largely due to him and his mistakes in the past.

“What…what of Naomi?” Castiel asked in an attempt to ignore the guilt and shame he felt niggling at his chest. 

“I was suspicious of her, due to your history with her, but so far she has been a voracious advocate for peace and cooperation. There have been a few who have expressed the desire to see her in sole control but she has so far chided and ignored them. It seems her reformation since surviving Metatron’s attack is sincere but only time will tell.” Gadreel told him and Castiel felt some of the unease leave him. He truly hoped that Naomi had reformed. She was one of the most knowledgeable angels still alive.

“Has there been any progress on restoring the Angels’ Wings?” Castiel asked tentatively. If their wings could be restored to full health they would have no need of the portal any longer.

“Since the rescue of his mother and their subsequent relocation, we have been working closely with the prophet, Kevin Tran. They are doing well by the way. I’m personally assuring they are taken care of. He says that there are references to our wings in the writings of the Angel Tablet, along with the instructions on how to reopen the Gates, but that they are difficult to decipher. He is making progress but it is slow going. Still, we are hopeful. Metatron has largely refused to speak on the subject except to hint that he knows how to undo the damage. However, we are so far refusing to trust his word.”

“That is good. Metatron cannot be trusted. Then again…I suppose the same could be said for myself.” Castiel replied, turning away from Gadreel.

“Castiel,” Gadreel gripped his shoulder as he spoke but didn’t try to turn him, “You have caused much harm over the years, from what I am told, but everything you have done has been in the protection of our Fathers creation. Your methods were extreme, one cannot argue that, but you were only doing what you thought was right.” Castiel shook his head at Gadreels' words and looked up to the sky once more.

“I believe that you would find your opinion to be very much in the minority. In truth, I regret my actions in the past. The loss of so many of our brothers and sisters. Even if I _was_ trying to do what was right. To protect this world.” Castiel replied as Gadreel stepped to his side and peered up at the sky with him.

“At least you are remorseful for all that you have done. The lives lost. There are many, human and angel, that would not be.” Gadreel told him quietly. Castiel didn’t bother to respond. It was true, he knew that, but he wasn’t sure if that made him any better.

“There are many that think as I do brother. Many who did not, and still do not, agree with your banishment. We did not speak up as you yourself gave no protest. Perhaps we were wrong to remain quiet. Perhaps _I_ was wrong.” Gadreel spoke after they had been quietly watching the heavens turn for a few moments.

“You are neither right nor wrong Gadreel. I…I do not know what I want any longer. If I ever really did. However, I do not think that I should have remained in Heaven. My presence there would have been too polarizing, too distracting from the important issues. But in the same breath, I do not know what I am doing here on Earth either.” Castiel told the sky and saw Gadreel nod out of the corner of his eye.

“I hope that you find your answers Castiel. Know that if you ever need me, for anything, all you need do is pray and I will come. For now though, I should return. Do you have any messages you would have me deliver?” Gadreel let his hand fall away as he spoke.

Castiel thought on it for a moment, he was no leader and did not wish to be, but surely words of advice would not hurt.

“Tell the others that think as you do, that support me, to focus on Heaven and humanity. But also to remain watchful and vocal. Not to let themselves become complacent and complicit. As I did.” Castiel told him, finally facing the other angel as he moved to the roof hatch.

“I will do so brother. Remember my words, if ever you need, I’ll be there.” Gadreel told him with a small smile.

“You as well Gadreel.” Castiel promised as Gadreel opened the hatch and stepped into the white-blue light that shone from it.

***

Dean was sitting at the small table in his kitchen, drinking a beer, doing is level best to _not_ think about going up to the roof and confronting Cas. He had been doing his best to follow Sam’s advice for the last few weeks and give Cas some time and space but, to him, it didn’t seem to be helping. Cas was still listless and distant when they weren’t working a case. Spending more time alone, usually in his room or on the roof of the Bunker’s warehouse.

Dean _desperately_ wanted to reach out to the angel and make sure he was well and truly ok, he wasn’t believing for a second the ‘I’m fine Dean’, that Cas had been giving them. He could admit, if only to himself and _nowhere near Sammy_ , that he loved Cas and was worried about him. Dean just wasn’t sure if Castiel would welcome his concern after everything they had been through.

“Hello, Dean.” Dean snapped out of his thoughts and whipped his gaze up to find Cas standing in the doorway with a hesitant look.

“Cas, Hey, have a seat. I’ll grab you a beer.” Dean smiled and nodded to the chair opposite his own before getting up and dashing to the fridge for another beer. When Dean turned back to the table he felt a sharp pang in his chest. Cas was hunched in on himself, looking awkward and unsure. Cas should _never_ feel unsure and out of place with them, with _him_.

“Here you go man.” Dean popped the bottle top and sat it in front of the angel before taking his seat.

“Thank you, Dean. I…I wanted to tell you that I have spoken to Gadreel. He came down while I was on the roof.” Cas told him after taking a long pull from his beer.

Dean felt like his stomach was suddenly full of ice. This was it. This was Cas coming to tell him that he was leaving again. Going back to Heaven. That he was leaving them alone again. Leaving him.

“How did he get here? Did they find a fix for your wings?” Dean asked, swallowing down the questions and accusations he really wanted to give voice to. If Cas wanted to go…he wouldn’t stop him.

“No, not yet. They have discovered how to move the portal where they need it. He, temporarily, placed it in the roof hatch. He came down to see how…how I was and how things are here. He told me that they are working with Kevin to decode the Angel Tablet. He assures me that Kevin and his mother are doing very well. He’s looking after them personally. I thought you’d like to know.” Cas told him, his hesitancy giving way to a small smile.

Dean breathed a sigh of relief mixed with upset. It didn’t sound like Cas was leaving, but he still wasn’t thrilled that Kevin had decided to leave the Bunker.

“I’m happy to hear it. I still wish they had decided to stay here though.” Dean replied and Cas nodded along.

“You miss him.” Cas spoke quietly and Dean nodded.

“I miss all the ones that are gone, that leave,” Dean said to his beer, an ache in his chest that only partially had to do with Kevin.

“I do as well. I trust Gadreel, at the least, but I do miss Kevin. If I am honest I had hoped that he and his mother would choose to remain here once we rescued her.” Castiel replied quietly. Kevin had agreed to disclose how to re-open the Gates of Heaven if the angels first aided the Winchesters in finding his mother. As it turned out she had been held captive by Crowley’s demons. With her safe and sound, reunited with Kevin, they had accepted Heaven’s offer of protection and sanctuary.

“Yea...I mean they’d have been safe here. This place is a fortress, and we’ve got plenty of rooms.” Dean recognized the desperation in his voice and cleared his throat, hoping Cas didn’t read between the lines.

They lapsed into quiet, the only sound the clink of glass bottles on the table. Eventually, it got to be too much for Dean and he spoke up.

“Did Gadreel say anything else? Anything about Heaven’s plans?” Dean didn’t care in the slightest what the angels did so long as they kept Kevin safe but this was the longest he and Cas had been the same room outside of a case.

“Not really no. Only that progress is slow, save for an agreement of no more in-fighting. The angels’ numbers are too low to allow it. Thanks to me.” Cas spoke the last bitterly and Dean felt anger boil up in his chest.

“He said that, where does he get off?” Dean demanded, sitting up straighter.

“No Dean, he didn’t. Nor did he need to. It is a simple fact. Between the war with Raphael; my use of the souls from Purgatory, and the deaths caused in the fall and afterward…the evidence speaks for itself.” Bitterness colored Cas’ voice and Dean fought down a grimace.

“Cas…I’m not gonna blow smoke up your ass and tell you that the other angels don’t have a right to be pissed at you. You made some bad choices. But you made them for the right reasons. Purgatory and Raphael, he was trying to restart the damn Apocalypse. The angels getting booted out of Heaven? You didn’t intend for that. You got fooled, and that happens to the best of us. You’ve also paid for all that. Several times. You’ve been captured and tortured. You’ve died multiple times, damn near killed yourself trying to fix it, and went up against Metatron damn near human with failing Grace. When does the blame game end?” Dean slumped back in his chair once his rant was done, feeling a bit better. He had been wanting to say that stuff for a long time.

“Dean…it isn’t that simple-“Cas tried but Dean cut him off.

“It _is_ that simple Cas. Let your holier-than-thou brothers and sisters keep the sticks up their asses. No matter what happened you were fighting for what _they_ should have been fighting for. What all of them should have been fighting for. Protection of humanity, protection of the world, of creation.” Dean was gratified that Cas didn’t protest and instead just nodded.

“You’re right Dean. I know you’re right…. But _knowing_ that doesn’t make it better.” Cas spoke quietly after a while.

“It’s not supposed to make it better. But it will make it easier. Eventually.” Dean told him, speaking from experience, and raised his bottle. Dean smiled when Cas gave him a small smirk before clinking their bottles together.

“I hope you’re right Dean.” Cas replied as he drained his bottle.

Dean hoped he was too.

***

Castiel was walking through the halls of the Bunker, looking for the Winchesters, when he heard it. Music not unfamiliar but most certainly out of season. Momentarily abandoning his attempt to spend more time with the brothers, and acclimate more to his circumstances, Castiel went in search of the cheerful music. He found its source, as well as his original targets, in one of the larger rooms that Dean had converted into a family room. Dean and Sam were sitting side-by-side on one of the couches, fighting over a bowl of popcorn between them, as an animated Christmas movie played on TV. Given the placement of the door and the way the room had been set up the brothers hadn’t yet noticed his presence so Castiel was free to watch them.

Dean and Sam were smiling while lobbing child inappropriate insults at one another. Despite the words, their tones were affectionate, as was the way they poked, prodded, and ribbed each other over the popcorn bowl. Castiel smiled as well, it was rare to see the two of them so light and carefree. He was very happy for them. Sadness colored his joy though. _That_ was what he wanted. Brotherhood and family. Sam and Dean had called him family before but words said in the heat of the moment could be forgotten. Were they still true? Had they ever been? He wanted desperately to know but was afraid to ask. He didn’t even know how.

He turned to go, leaving the pair to their bonding, but was called back by Dean.

“Cas, man, I was just about to come find you. Sammy found a Christmas in July Marathon and the stingy bitch was gonna keep it to himself.” Dean gave him a broad smile as he spoke, jerking his head toward the TV. Sam, in return, rolled his eyes at his brother and threw some popcorn at him.

“I wasn’t keeping it to myself, Dean. I just hadn’t come and got you yet.” Sam replied.

“You had time to make popcorn but not come look for us?” Dean asked as he plucked the popcorn Sam had thrown at him off his shirt into his mouth.

“Shut up, Jerk.” Sam replied with a shifty look.

“That’s what I thought, Bitch,” Dean completed their insult exchange before turning back to him, “Anyway, grab a seat Cas. We’ve got an evening of classic animation ahead of us.” Dean smiled as he nodded toward the leather armchair near the couch.

Castiel didn’t want to interrupt such a meaningful moment between the brothers, he knew all things Christmas held a special and oft under-expressed place in the Winchesters' lives, but Dean _did_ offer. Without further analysis, Castiel crossed the room and took a seat.

“Cas...are you wearing _normal_ clothes?” Sam asked him, a hint of incredulity in his voice, as he took his seat. Castiel felt a hint of a blush rise in his cheeks and forced himself to _not_ will it away with his grace. He was trying to _live_ more and part of it was not pushing away his reactions.

“Yes…Jimmy’s suit and coat have served me well but I’ve been working to expand my wardrobe. Dean has been assisting me.” Castiel nodded at Dean while motioning to the plain black t-shirt and blue jeans he was wearing.

“That’s right. Cas really works the Holy Tax Accountant look but it was time to branch out.” Dean told them with a mouthful of popcorn. Castiel just smiled at the hunter while Sam gave him a look he couldn’t quite read. It was a kind of sly smirk but he wasn’t sure what it was for.

“Well it’s paying off, you look good Cas,” Sam told him before turning back to the TV, “So are we doing this or what?”

“Hell yea.” Dean replied, grabbing a handful of popcorn and kicking his socked feet up on the table.

Castiel smiled and turned his attention to the TV.

***

Dean split his time between watching the kiddy Christmas movies and surreptitiously watching Cas. He had been doing that pretty often lately. _More_ often than he had before if he was being honest. Cas had come to him a few days after their talk in the kitchen and asked Dean for _fashion_ advice. Dean had laughed at first but stopped fast when he realized that Cas _wasn’t_ joking. Cas had told him that he wanted, that he needed, to try “fitting in” more and so felt he needed to try different clothing. Dean had been pretty surprised but had readily agreed. To that end, he had raided his own closet and passed some of the contents to the angel. He and Cas were roughly the same sizes and it served to help Cas figure out what he liked.

The fact that Dean felt hella turned on and possessive seeing Cas in his clothes was a welcome side effect.

“I’m getting some more popcorn before the next one starts. You guys want anything?” Sam’s voice pulled Dean from his thoughts and he realized he had been staring at Cas out of the corner of his eyes throughout the last five minutes of A Charlie Brown Christmas.

“Yea…yea another beer. One for Cas too.” Dean replied, nodding at Cas after he cleared his throat. Sam gave him a look that told him he had been caught staring at Cas but Sam didn’t mention anything.

“That work for you Cas?” Sam asked Cas instead.

“Yes Sam, thank you. That would be nice.” Cas replied absently, turning away from the TV. Dean couldn’t help but smile a bit. Cas had been glued to the movies.

“Cas, move over here before Sammy comes back.” Dean waited until Sam was out of the room to call Cas over. Cas gave him his Squint and Head Tilt for a moment but moved over next to him. As per usual Cas sat a little closer that. what most would consider acceptable. Close enough that Dean could feel the heat radiating off him, but Dean didn’t mind.

“Won’t Sam be annoyed about losing his seat?” Cas asked him, a bit of worry in his voice, but Dean just smiled and winked a bit.

“Sammy will bitch for a second but he won’t mean any of it. Besides the couch is more comfortable than the chair.” Dean replied, stretching back and putting his feet up on the coffee table again. Dean looked over to him again and nodded at the table. Cas Squinted again for a second before getting the message and leaning back against the cushions and putting his feet up too.

“This is quite relaxing,” Cas told him, hands resting on his stomach, “Aren’t _you_ worried about missing out on the popcorn?”

“Nah, Sam’ll make two bowls. Me and you’ll share this time.” Dan answered just as Sam came back into the room, three unopened beers held by the necks between his long fingers, and two bowls of popcorn held awkwardly between his chest and arm. Sam only rolled his eyes and held out his hand, passing two of the beers to him while Cas reached up for the popcorn.

“I’m sorry Sam, Dean insisted, I can move if you’d like.” Cas offered apologetically, Dean just smirked as Sam shook his head.

“Don’t worry about it Cas, least this way I can eat my own popcorn. You should get some before Dean pigs out on it.” Sam said and Dean gave him a discreet middle finger.

As Sam sat down in the armchair Dean settled the popcorn between him and Cas and sat back, shoulder brushing against Cas’s, as a new movie started up.

***

Castiel had to admit that he was thoroughly enjoying the movies. The animation styles were simplistic but somehow very rich and the stories, while childish at times, were emotionally effective. He found it very fascinating that so many of them resonated with what he had been feeling. The desire to belong, to find one's place and people, was a thread throughout many of the animated movies.

Charlie Brown and his need to not only feel “The Christmas Spirit” but also be recognized and accepted by his peers. Castiel thought using the sad and homely tree as a metaphor was a wonderful idea.

The Grinch’s hatred for Christmas as a thin guise for his loneliness and desire for a community.

Frosty and his desire to find a place where he could survive. Then later his desire for companionship and family leading to the creation of his wife, Crystal.

Castiel knew, of course, that Christmas and associated media were family-oriented but he didn’t realize so many of the movies were about _finding_ said family.

In a way it made him feel better about his own internal struggles.

His newfound lightness lasted until The Ultimate Christmas Movie, (As Dean referred to it), Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.

From the very first scene with the title character Castiel found himself…saddened. The small creature could not help how he was born and yet he was shamed and shunned. Even by his own father. His sadness was compounded when the small elf Hermey came on the screen. Hermey, the only elf that didn’t appear to be a clone of some sort, was also shamed and shunned for simply desiring to have a different way of life than his cohorts.

“Cas…Cas are you crying?” Dean’s voice, filled with incredulity, jerked his attention from the TV where the pair were singing about being misfits. Castiel felt his face and realized that tears were indeed leaking from the corner of his eyes.

“I…I don’t know.” Castiel forced the lie past the lump in his throat as he swiped at the tears on his cheeks. Embarrassment and shame filled his gut like a stone as he realized he couldn’t stop the fall of tears. The walls he had carefully constructed around his feelings of loneliness, loss, isolation, regret, and fear began to crack and crumble. Because of _children’s movies_. Unable to make himself move Castiel leaned forward, elbows on his knees, and buried his face in his hands as errant tears became sobs.

“It’s alright Cas, let it out. We’re here. It’s ok.” Dean’s voice, scratchy with emotion, rumbled quietly in his ear, as the hunter wrapped his arms around him. A warm comforting weight against his side. Distantly he was aware of movement and when large hands rested on the outside of his knees he realized that Sam had moved, likely sitting on the coffee table in front of him. Neither of the Winchesters spoke further but just the warmth of their presence, the comfort of their touch, was enough for Castiel to wrangle his emotions back under his control. Eventually, he was able to sit up, wiping at his face with his palms until Dean handed him the bandana he carried in his back pocket, but neither of the brothers made to move. Though Dean did rearrange his arms so that only one remained around his shoulders.

“Thank you, Dean, Sam. I…I’m sorry you had to see that. I know I am usually more in control of my emotions. My limited Grace however doesn’t appear to have been up to the job tonight.” Castiel hated the roughness of his voice and couldn’t force himself to meet either of the Winchester's eyes.

“Cas…You don’t have to be sorry for breaking down in front of us. You’ve seen us do it enough.” Sam replied, patting the side of his knee affectionately.

“You literally saw me at my worst when you pulled me out of the pit Cas. You with some tears and snot is pale in comparison.” Dean offered quietly, gripping his shoulder painfully tight for a moment at the mention of Hell.

Castiel often wondered if Dean remembered that meeting. One day he would have the courage to ask him.

“You…you want to tell us what brought it on? We…I know things have been hard for you since you left Heaven.” Dean’s voice was, if possible, even quieter than it had been a moment ago. For a moment Cas wanted to deny, avoid, and deflect, as he had done every other time the brothers had asked him how he was. Quickly though, even to himself, that feeling was washed away and replaced with the desire to share.

“I…I did not leave Heaven fully by choice. Once we opened the Gates, as it required all of us to do so, it was _strongly suggested_ that I leave. I am, by and large, persona-non-grata in Heaven.” As Castiel spoke Dean once more gripped his shoulder tightly and the forceful, but controlled, exhale heard from the older Winchester told Castiel that Dean was angry.

“Because of everything that happened with Metatron?” Sam asked carefully and Cas nodded.

“Yes. And before as well. Many still remember what I did during the war, in possession of the souls from Purgatory. I was a catalyst for many of the problems that have plagued Heaven in recent years. I do not blame the majority for not trusting me. _I_ wouldn’t trust me. I’m not sure I even do.” Castiel replied quietly. Sam looked distressed but remained silent. Dean though huffed out an angry breath and spoke up.

“So they kicked you out because you’re a reminder of what they should have been doing all along. Because you fought for what Heaven was _suppose_ to be all along instead of being some sort of power grab for dicks with god complexes and daddy issues. The way I see it they did you a favor.” Dean patted his shoulder as he spoke and Castiel felt emotion rise in his throat again. He looked between the two hunters, Sam was looking at his brother with an expression that spoke of wanting to object but couldn’t find the words, and Dean was somehow managing to look both annoyed and smug at the same time.

“Dean…Dean, it’s not that simple…” Castiel forced past the lump in his throat but Dean shook his head.

“It _is_ that simple Cas. I know what you’re gonna say. How many of the angels died because of what happened. What were you supposed to do? Let them restart the apocalypse? Wipeout half the world, or more, just so they could try and get daddy’s attention. The thing with Metatron, trying to keep the angels from screwing with humans even more by locking them up, you got used. You didn’t have a reason to not believe Metatron. You made decisions and, good or bad, you did it for the right reasons. You were doing what angels were supposed to be doing all along. Protecting humans and Earth, despite how fucked up we are. What is it you said Naomi told you when she finally pulled her head out of her ass, ‘Our mission was to protect what God created. I don’t know when we forgot that,’ forgot Cas. _Forgot_ , they forgot that they were meant to protect humans and instead manipulated us, all of us, for their own agenda. Fuck, they were barely better than demons. At least with a demon you _know_ you’re getting fucked in the end.” Dean finished slightly out of breath and a bit red in the face and sat back against the couch, arm still around his shoulders, with a look that dared any of them to contradict him.

“At least you feel bad about what happened Cas, that’s probably more than what most of the other angels could say. Hell, do any of them even know what crying is?” Sam offered quietly and Castiel felt himself smile a bit.

“Gadreel said much the same thing when he visited last. I do not know if my feelings of guilt and remorse are points in my favor but I’m willing to accept them. However…my tears weren’t for what I have done. At least not solely for that.” Castiel confessed, ducking his head as a different shame crept up his spine.

“You want to tell us about it Cas? You don’t have to but…it could help.” Sam offered quietly. Now that he was no longer leaning on them Sam’s hands had moved to rest on his knees, there were, in addition to Dean still pressed into his side, a warm and comforting weight.

“Since leaving Heaven, before even if I am honest, I have felt…unmoored. Misplaced. In heaven, I felt too much, questioned too much. Naomi said I’ve always been like this. A spanner in the works, never fully following orders, would never fully reset when she tried. I _want_ to be an angel. I _want_ to do good things. But at the same time, it doesn’t feel _right_. It doesn’t feel like _enough_.” Castiel confided quietly and felt some of the weight lift off his shoulders.

“So you’ve been bottling this shit up for so long that Rudy and Hermey singing the Misfit song tore you up?” Dean’s voice lacked the teasing he would have expected to hear from the gruff hunter and was instead colored with concern and understanding.

“They were very powerful.” Castiel offered with a shrug. He didn’t really know what to say now.

“Cas…you’re sitting with two people in the world that probably know how you feel more than almost anyone else.” Sam offered with a small smile. Cas looked up to him in confusion before turning his gaze to Dean.

“He’s not wrong. No one on Earth has probably fought against what they were “meant to be” more than me and Sammy.” Dean gave a one-handed air quote as he spoke. Castiel hadn’t thought of that before. Sam and Dean, according to Heaven, had been created for a singular purpose. To bring about the apocalypse as Lucifer and Michael’s vessels. But they had fought tooth and nail against those so-called destinies.

“It’s not just the angel suits either Cas. It’s, for me at least, being a hunter at all. I was born to it, raised in it. But I was always trying to get away from it. Stanford, Amelia; I loved Jess and Amelia, and I was happy. But even then it felt like I was pretending. Like there was something missing. No matter how thankless this life is, being a hunter is what I was supposed to do and I had to make peace with that.” Sam told him with a small smile. Before Castiel could say anything Dean spoke up.

“I did it too. With Lisa and Ben. I loved them. But I never felt right. But I don’t think it’s so much about making peace with what you are, who you are. It’s…it’s about finding out how to be the you _you_ want to be. I…I tried to be the kind of hunter, the kind of person Dad wanted me to be. I never rebelled as much as Sammy but when I let myself feel it, I felt off. It was when me and Sammy started hunting again that I started realizing. I could be what I was _and_ who I wanted at the same time. I think both Sam and I had to learn that. Maybe you need to too. You’ve been trying to be an angel by Heaven’s standards. Not your own. You said it yourself, you were made different. You gotta embrace that.” Dean’s words were carefully chosen and he spoke them without looking at him or Sam. Despite that though they resonated with something deep in Castiel and he felt something click into place.

“I…I had never thought of it like that Dean, thank you.” Castiel made sure his voice was sincere and earnest as possible and he emphasized the statement by gripping Dean’s knee tightly. Castiel was fascinated by the small, sideways smile that Dean gave him at the gesture; as well as the way his ear’s pinked. For a moment the two of them shared the look and Cas felt something in his stomach flutter and his chest and face warm. Another feeling he had long been suppressing. In that instance, he wondered if perhaps he didn’t need to worry about that either. Eventually, the moment was ended by Sam clearing his throat. Cas smiled when Dean looked annoyed at the sound.

“Dean is right Cas. I think once you figure out how you want to do things, now that Heaven has more or less cut you lose, you’re going to be a lot happier. And, if for any reason, that takes you away from here. We’ll still have your back.” Castiel internally balked at the idea of leaving the Bunker, of leaving Dean and Sam, but as he looked at the younger Winchester he found him smiling at his brother with an odd smile. Cas turned once more to Dean to find him, to use Dean’s own turn of phrase, glaring pissily at his brother.

“Thank you, Sam, you and Dean both. You’ve given me a lot to think about.” Castiel offered, breaking the strange staring contest between the brothers.

“Of course Cas, after all, we're all a bunch of misfits.” Sam said with a final pat of his knees.

“Really Samantha?” Dean groaned in annoyance but he was smiling when Cas turned to look at him. Sam didn’t reply, just moved back to his armchair, and just like that the three of them resumed their marathon. Rudolph was nearly over but Castiel wasn’t bothered, Dean informed him that he owned it on DVD and it could be watched later. Dean had withdrawn his arm but hadn’t returned to the other side of the couch and remained pressed against his side.

The night wore on and more movies passed, Sam eventually left them; pleading tiredness, and he and Dean were left to watch the final movie alone. Cas was delighted to find that, “Rudolph and Frosty’s Christmas in July”, explained not only how Rudolph had gained his red nose but also introduced Frosty and Crystals children, Chilly and Milly. Cas was mildly curious as to how the snow people reproduced but he would save the query for later. Once the movie was over, reaching an enjoyable conclusion, and late-night infomercials began playing Castiel moved to stand and began cleaning up the scattered beer bottles and popcorn bowls. Before he could however Dean grabbed his elbow.

“Cas…I…I want to talk to you for a minute.” Dean’s voice was quiet and uncertain and Castiel turned to face him.

“Listen, this probably isn’t the time to say this but…I need to tell you something.” Dean spoke carefully but cut himself off with a harsh breath.

“You can tell me anything Dean, you know that.” Castiel told him, turning to sit back against the arm of the couch so he could look at Dean. Dean closed his eyes and took a deep breath before turning to face him.

“I don’t like what Sam said…about how you might need to leave…to figure stuff out. I don’t like the idea of you leaving. But…if you do…if you do need to go I want you to know that as Sam said, we’ll be here for you. _I’ll_ be here waiting for you. No matter what.” If the sincerity on Dean’s face and undisguised need in his voice, the need to be _understood_ , wasn’t enough to make Castiels heart race the way Dean was suddenly gripping his hand was. 

Cas took a moment to calm his heartbeat as the meaning of Dean’s statement sunk in. After a moment he lifted his eyes from their clasped hands to meet Dean’s eye. Dean, if Cas was using the term right, looked like a deer caught in the headlights. It was as though he had surprised himself with his words and actions. Before Dean could give in to the panic that Castiel was sure he was feeling he reached out and took hold of Dean’s free hand. 

“Dean…I have no plans to go anywhere anytime soon. I think I’m right where I need to be to work things out.” Cas told him with a smile and Dean visibly deflated with a sigh.

“Thank god,” Dean breathed in relief before grimacing a bit, “You know what I mean.” Dean looked at him and Cas smiled. They sat grinning at each other for a few moments before Dean tugged at their clasped hands. For a moment Castiel was worried he was pulling away but when Dean’s smile turned bashful Cas understood and let himself be drawn back against Dean’s side. Dean once more wrapped an arm around his shoulder and Castiel slid his own between Dean’s waist and the couch and rested his head on Dean’s shoulder. It was an unfamiliar position but not uncomfortable.

Silently they watched a very exuberant man selling kitchen knives and Castiel breathed easy. Perhaps Dean was right and now was not the time for them to start this…whatever it is…to finally acknowledge what has been between them for so long. But Castiel could not find it in himself to worry about that. For the first time in a very long time, perhaps for the first time ever, he felt calm and centered. Perhaps here, in the company of other misfits, he could find his place. 

**Author's Note:**

> This MAY be expanded later on. Mostly to touch on the divergent parts below. Perhaps with a more definitive Destiel ending.  
> I really hope you all enjoyed it and I would LOVE to hear your thoughts. Find me at my Tumblr https://mcdannoangelwolf.tumblr.com/ 
> 
> Canon Differences.  
> No mark of Cain. Doesn't exist in this world.  
> Gadreel didn't masquerade as Ezekiel and didn't kill Kevin. After healing Sam he returned to his vessel and worked as a double agent against Metatron. He also didn't kill himself. Nor did he force Dean to make Castiel leave.  
> Kevin and his mother are alive.  
> Naomi was never attacked by Metatron and reformed.  
> Basically this takes in a much different much more streamlined AU lol.


End file.
